2022 isn’t over yet but I feel like I’ve gone through so much growth this year.
I started my new career this past April as a Production Specialist. Years of learning all the jobs and constantly annoying the engineers and my peers came to fruition. I finally had an avenue for that knowledge that I’ve spent years gaining. years of being demeaned and talked down to, all the while having to shoulder more work than I ever should and not getting paid enough to do it. Working endlessly to go nowhere. I’ve definitely experienced some lows in this new job as I have spent so long being comfortable and knowing that I was that go-to person on the floor. Suddenly I was a fish out of water surrounded by experts. That knowledge that I had of constantly fixing problems really meant little when you are trying to prevent problems. The hours vary depending on the projects, most of which I get myself into. Am I exhausted at the end of the day? Hell yes. I know that I have a lot to learn yet but for the first time in years I feel challenged to where I actually have to work to constantly get better. It’s a great feeling.
I can’t say that I’m cured, because this isn’t something that’s curable. However, I did start seeing a new gynocologist at a new hospital. She put on me birth control without the placebos so that I don’t have a period. At least I’m not supposed to. There have been a few instances where I still have one but the pain that I feel here and there, in my mind, is what a normal period should feel like. I can still workout or go to work. I don’t feel that soul-sucking depression anymore. I feel like I have been living a normal life. The best news is that this doctor said that there is still hope for me if my husband and I decide in a few years we want to try again at having a baby. Even if we don’t change our minds, just that knowledge that I’m not completely broken is enough to lift my spirits.
Speaking very honestly, I have gained back 10 pounds this year. Some of it is definitely gained muscle. It’s obvious when I feel my legs flexing going up the stairs and my shoulder and back definition is insane. Going from a job where I walked almost 20k steps in 12 hours to being mostly stationary for 8 hours was a huge transition. I wasn’t burning the calories as fast as I used to. Combine that with a different lunch time schedule at work, it’s taken quite a bit of work. As much as I want to blame everything around me, I know that it all depends on me and my ability to stay disciplined. If I want to take my journey to the next level, I need to get my shit together. Plain as that.
I will always be grateful for the family that I have. When I say family, I mean my husband and his family and my animals. My mother contacted me for the first time in probably 6 years now. For the longest time I felt sad. There is so much that she has missed. I’ve gone through multiple surgeries and trips to the hospital. Deep depression. There are times when I feel I can’t go to my husband. It took one phone call from her this year for me to remember why she and the rest of my family are no longer welcome in my life. I now know 100% that it’s ok to cut family from your life for the sake of your mental health. My husband has always been there for me. He’s been at my side after every surgery, taking care of me and making sure I eat when I’m sick. There was one morning I was so exhausted after working a long shift that he woke up with my cat in the middle of the night to get him some water. 2022 has also been the year where I’ve been reminded in subtle ways that life is passing on. My boy (cat) is getting older. I am honestly scared for the day I have to say goodbye to him. He’s going to be 9 this spring. I know he still has a long way ahead of him but for me it will never be long enough. It’s made me cherish every day I have with him and my husband and my dog, as bratty as she is.
In essence, I’m grateful that I got to spend another year in this world. Every day, every up and down, has gotten me to this point. I wouldn’t change anything.